The Frugal Life?

While having a conversation with a friend recently, I quoted something to her about being frugal that I had heard in the past that always stuck with me, "Live like no one else, so that you can LIVE like no one else."

I feel like my job as a mom and wife is to make the most of what my husband provides. I am absolutely privileged to be a stay-at-home-mom, and I don't take that role lightly. My personality is also to protect and provide. I'm the kind of person who likes to be useful and needed, and that part of me has turned into a passion to heal, prevent, and protect for my family.

Besides what you already know, my love for holistic healing, natural living, and organic eating, I have, since becoming an Army wife, found a love in being as frugal as possible. I get a huge high off of leaving the grocery store and knowing I just saved a ton of money, or that I went out with a budget and shopped UNDER that. Especially since our family eats completely organic, no exceptions. Making that kind of commitment for a family of five on a soldiers salary can be taxing, but I promise you, it can be done....I'm doing it :)

I want to share some super simple ways that I have learned (many from other wives & moms!) to save money for our family, and I'm hoping that in return, you'll share your tips and tricks with me! I'm always looking for new ways and ideas to make our pennies stretch.

BUYING IN BULK:

Of course, we are Costco frequenters. There are a lot of things I can buy in bulk at a store like Costco that save me tons of money. Cheese is a big one. We don't use cheese a ton, but it's expensive! I buy the big blocks, 5 or 10 pound from Costco and FREEZE them. I shred some of it, separating it into amounts I would use for tacos, chili, burritos, etc. and then take out to thaw the day of. I slice them into sandwich sizes and put sheets of wax paper between each one, throw them in a freezer baggie and store in my deep freezer. I cut up cubes and store those too, they are great for road trip snacks, sides for the kids lunches, snacks, and on-the-go food for me when I'm running around and don't have time to sit down for a meal.

We also buy our organic meat from Costco, the price cannot be beat for chicken and beef unless you buy locally from a farmer. Even then the price comparison (at least here in my area) is almost better at Costco. I stock up on meat, this way when we grocery shop every two weeks, I don't have to buy meat at all. (They also have their Hebrew National kosher hot dogs for a great price, I never buy them anywhere else. My freezer is always stocked for unexpected BBQs, camping trips, etc.) Meat is expensive, and not having to buy meat when we grocery shop leaves me with our entire budget for other things. Every year with our tax return we will buy $300-$800 worth of meat. It goes in my deep freezer and that can usually last me 6 months. Any time we have unexpected extra money, we use it to further stock our meat. This means none of my budget goes to meat and I never have to worry about it.

Bread. I freeze bread like CRAZY! If bread is on clearance because it's about to expire, Ill buy it all and freeze it. I always buy at least two loaves when we go to Costco, the price is right and I just throw it in my freezer. This goes for english muffins, bagels, tortillas, pita bread, etc. If we use it and it's on sale, I'll buy at least two and throw it in, unless I know we are well stocked and I could use that $5-$7 elsewhere. When we need it, it's always there, a loaf takes no time at all to defrost and it keeps wonderfully in the freezer for long periods of time. This also means that often times, I don't have to spend any of my budget on a single bread item either!

Other things we buy in bulk at Costco are baby wipes, juice, baking soda, fruit snacks, granola bars, spaghetti/noodles (the price is much better if you are buying organic or whole grain like us, I never buy my pasta at the local store), and Quinoa. Those are main staples that I probably wouldn't make a shopping trip without. All of these can be stored for long periods of time, so when you don't need that extra cash somewhere else, stock up. When money gets tight, you can shrink your food budget because you've planned ahead. Like my mom always says, 'a good soldier always has a back-up plan.'

FREEZING:

Got produce going bad? FREEZE IT.

We are big smoothie drinkers in this house, but I refuse to spend a ton of money on pricey frozen fruits or buy three times our regular produce just so we can enjoy a yummy drink. Whenever I have something that's about to go bad, I cut it up and throw it in a freezer baggie. I probably have about 30 bananas in my freezer right now. Fruit spoils fast, and it's easy for us to just toss them, but think about what you could do with it if you freeze them! This doesn't just go for fruit either, freeze your veggies (cook and freeze)!

CLEARANCE:

I got in to the coupon fad for a while, although I'll admit, it was more time consuming than money saving. I'm sure some people have that kind of patience and dedication, but you sure won't find it here, haha. Do you watch for produce to go on clear out? I DO! I'll pop into the grocery store on our way home JUST to check and see if any produce is on clearance. Our organic bananas (hence my stock pile) go 50% off once a week, when they start browning and new shipments come in. I'll buy a whole hand basket full. This can make banana bread (which you can....FREEZE), baby food, freezer packs for smoothies, banana pudding, dehydrated banana chips....I could go on! I often pay less then $10 for what I haul away, and for produce, and organic, you just cant beat that.

Organics go on clear out A LOT, watch for them. Milk (which yes, you can FREEZE!), eggs, orange juice, chicken, ground beef...these are all things Ive bought on major mark down from our local store, brought home and froze or used right away (orange juice does NOT last long in our house). I often peruse through our organic/natural food section in the store with one thing in mind, looking for markdowns. You'd be amazed at what you can find when you look! Things I normally wouldn't buy, like orange juice, I can buy 3 gallons of for a fraction of the price.

IN-HOME RECYCLING:

Do you use what might be trash to make something useful? PLEASE share if you do, I love these ideas! As we just built our first in ground fire pit, we have started recycling to make fire starters. I save all of our toilet paper rolls and fill them with lint from my dryer...instant fire starter :) We also use old newspaper, grocery ads, paper, etc to make fire starters. We get the paper wet and wad it into a PVC pipe, let dry and boom GREAT fire starter. This burns for over an hour and we have started collecting for camping and emergencies, especially with our Alaska winters!

MISC:

How about dishes and laundry? Those two dreaded chores that every mother undoubtedly does more than her share of. If you're like us, your washing machine and dishwasher never stop running! I have made laundry detergent in the past, back when I was trying to get our cloth diapers (<---- another money saver) under control. Admittedly, that stopped after a few batches and becoming pregnant with number 3. So, this is a fairly new venture for me, but my husband is loving it so I'm sure that means it's here to stay this time :) Right now I am making our own laundry detergent and dish washing soap. I am still messing around with our laundry recipe because of our very hard well water and its need for lots of borax, but I love our dish washing recipe.

check it out here -----------> Dish Washing Soap Recipe

I also make our own baby soap and shampoo for the kids using bar castile soap. EASY to do, and very cost efficient. Face Wash? I was paying an arm and a leg to buy my husband and I face wash without chemicals, parabens, additives, artificial colors, etc. & after doing some research I went ahead and gave baking soda a try (which we buy in bulk for pennies on the dollar at Costco). BEST face exfoliant EVER. My husband gets grumpy when there is none in the bathroom at his disposal. Mix 1 part water with 3 parts baking soda and voila, instant face scrub. For an extra boost/bad acne mix 1 part green tea with 3 parts baking soda and 1 drop of tea tree oil, works wonders...I promise you'll never go back. You can also use it to brush your teeth if you despise fluoride like us. Though we use toothpaste with cranberry extract, it's definitely a money saving option! Some people do not appreciate the flavor or grittiness, but it gets the job done and leaves those teeth sparkling white!

Make your own baby food. You DON'T need a baby bullet or a ridiculously expensive 'baby food maker', you don't need a million recipe books. All you need is a food processor (or good blender), some ice cube trays (hello, we're talking less then a buck), and fresh produce! This also takes the guessing game out of what's inside that jar of food you bought at the store form the big baby-chain. You know because you made it. No sodium, no preservatives, no sugar, just fruits & veggies! This weeks I made Kale/Carrot/Pear, Carrot/Garlic, Butternut Squash/Cinnamon, Avocado, Banana/Spinach, Mango/Banana, and Zucchini/Squash/Brown Rice. All my ingredients were organic and fresh. Everything cost me under $20 at our local Fred Meyer and it made enough baby food for 3+ weeks.

Do you love those shower steamers from Vics? Or are you like my husband and the first thing you do when you get congested is sit in a hot shower for as long as the hot water will allow and take in the steam? I found an AWESOME recipe for making our own shower steamers. We love them so much, that I make them in bulk, vacuum seal them, and store them in our basement so we always have a ton! The best part? They are super cheap and super easy to make! It aids as a decongestant, is safe for the kids, and the essential oils are great for the body!

RECIPE for homemade shower steamers [ these are undoubtedly my husbands favorite ]

Baking Soda

Water

Essential Oil Rosemary, Eucalyptus, Lavender

Cupcake liners

Cooling rack

• Line a cupcake tin with cupcake liners 
• In a large mixing bowl, pour in 1 cup baking soda and slowly stir in 1/3 cup water (plus a tbsp or two more) and mix until thick and 'putty' like.   
•  Pour in muffin liners and bake at 350 for 20 minutes.  
• Take out and let cool. Once fairly cool, add 15 drops of each essential oil to 'tablets'.  
• Store in a cool dry place in an airtight container to use at any later date.

CAUTION**These are not to be used in the bath. The amount of essential oil used would not be conducive for soaking.  For baths, never under estimate the power of a $5 bag of epsom salt! (often found in the pharmacy section of your local store, if not, ask!) Add in a few drops of essential oil (lavender is especially helpful when ill) and you are set!

THE LITTLE THINGS:

Do you unplug appliances when you aren't using them? You would be surprised how much electricity you might be using, even when you're not 'using' it! Unplug those appliances! The toaster, the coffee pot, the phone charger....not using it ? UNPLUG it! 

Turn off those lights! This is a huge pet peeve of mine, and I'm always on my kids and husband for this one. During the day, we NEVER have lights on (with the exception of the basement when someone is down there), use your daylight and keep lights to the bare minimum. Be diligent, when you aren't in the room, turn 'em off. This is especially helpful if you have a two-story house like I do and can't always have eyes on which lights are on and which lights are off. My daughters room is downstairs so she is responsible for turning all the lights off downstairs. Did you know you can motion censor a room? You can! Buy them for rooms where the light is often forgotten to be turned off, like the bathroom or a child's bedroom. Set it, and forget about it! Set outside lights on a timer, or (even better) have them motion censored so they really only come on when you need them! Closet lights, bathroom lights, garage lights, porch lights....these are things we easily forget to turn off on a daily basis, so make it a habit to turn them off. 

Going on a trip? Even just for the weekend? Turn that water heater off! This is one my husband introduced me to. He was put in charge of this responsibility as a kid when his parents started going on lots of trips and it became a habit for him when we got married. Why heat the water when you aren't home, even if it's just for a few days? & of course, turn off those heaters/air conditioners!

There are lots of ways to save water, including buying water saving shower heads for all your showers. Even though we're on well water and no longer paying for our water usage, we still use our water saving heads because they are so efficient at making the hot water last! Save water and shower together! Seriously. It's a great way to have time with your spouse every day, my husband and I have our best conversations in the shower! (plus, it's fun.) For more great ways to save water, check this out ------>  Save $ on your water bill

How about heating up your house? This is a big one for us, and we really took this into consideration when buying our house in Alaska. Our home has very efficient heating, in floor, but having a large home with 5 people still makes the bill go up. We are having a wood-burning stove installed downstairs to cut down on our heating costs during the winter and take advantage of the abundant wood resource we have, but until then, here's what we do...

Leave the oven open after use. I am always cooking since we very rarely eat out, once I'm done, Ill let the oven cool off but leave it open. This heats up the entire kitchen/living area and costs me no extra money. 

Insulate! This is best done before fall/winter hits. Make sure that your windows and door ways are well insulated and sealed. There are cheap and easy ways to fix any problem areas and drastically improve your heat retention. In areas where it snows, check your roof. Are there patches on your roof where the snow has melted? If so, this means that heat is escaping from the house through the roof , and that's not a good thing. Check the insulation in your attic and make sure it's up to par. A snow covered roof means a warm home :)

FREE FOOD?

Do you live in an area where you can go fishing? We sure do! I absolutely detest fish. I hate the smell, hate the texture, hate the taste. Hey, my family loves it though :) One thing Ive learned being a mom is that I cant feed my family based on what I do and do not like. I introduced fish to my kids at a young age, and to my surprise, and just like their father, huge fans. SO, back to FREE food. GO FISHING. We sure have been using this to our FULL advantage. My husband has successfully caught over 65 pounds of fish, and after a few more weekends, I will be set for the winter. All of this cost me the price of a fishing license, $20! Not to mention it's wild....a hundred times more beneficial for you then farmed fish!

We are getting ready to come up on our first ever berry season here in Alaska, and we could not, and I do mean COULD NOT be more excited. This weekend marks Alyeska's annual blueberry festival up in Girdwood, and we aim to leave with at least a few gallons of delicious antioxidant filled blue goodness! Berry picking is offered across the country, you may just have to take a drive to find the good ones. Berries are EXPENSIVE in the supermarket, especially if you buy organic like us, take advantage of local areas to pick.

Also find U-Pick farms in your area. This is a great way to support your community in buying local produce and let your family enjoy the experience of harvesting your own food and getting to know where it comes from. In my experience, it's much cheaper then local supermarket produce, but call ahead or check a website (if available) and then check your local add before heading out to see if the trip's worth it. Often times you can find fresh herbs and other novelties not offered at your local grocer. Find your local U-pick farms here ----->U-Pick Farms

These are just some of the ways our family has discovered to save money. We work hard for every penny that the hunky hunny brings in, so we want to make it stretch as far as it can, as I know everyone else does too! We are ever grateful for the abundant blessings that God has brought to us, and yes, I'm talking about our kids. We want to provide and build our family to the best and most responsible way we know how, while still nourishing the body, mind, and soul, and living how we know God wants us to be.

I know this is a subject that can NEVER have enough input, so I would sincerely appreciate anyone reading to share their ways of saving money! Happy saving :)

Update

So, little update for now.

We are STILL stuck in stupid (stupid, stupid!) Army lodging. When we first arrived we had planned to check out on-post housing and most likely rent off-post. Well, after being here for about a week, we decided to look seriously into buying. We fell in love with the area and financially, it just made more sense to buy.

We hooked up with an absolutely amazing realtor and when Jimmy took his 10 day leave, we began our search. We looked at tons of homes, all over the Palmer/Wasilla area, some days we would jam as many houses in as we could and spend 8 hrs looking at potential new homes.

By week 2, we had narrowed it down to 2 homes. One that was Jimmy's favorite and one that was mine. We kept looking in hopes of finding a tie breaker, but it wasn't out there.

So, while we were still looking we both decided that my favorite house was the best choice for our family and what we really wanted in the long run (of course ;) Very long story short, we close in just over 3 weeks and we couldn't be more excited about it. I have not had my own space since January, and we are all starting to go a little crazy being in lodging for so long. 

Joining his unit, Jimmy immediately got put in charge of 13 (which is now 17) soldiers. He is very good at 'leading the herd' if you will, and seems to be thoroughly enjoying his job so far. Which is really such a blessing because he is on RearD right now, as his unit is deployed. Usually on RearD you either hate your job or you're just preparing to deploying with the rest of them...neither of those situations have crossed our path yet so we are very grateful.

Our house is up in Wasilla (yes, where Mrs. Palin lives), which is, give or take, a good 45 minute drive  from post. The drive in the winter time will probably be more like an hour plus. We really did not care for Anchorage, which is right outside of post. It's very much like any big city, lots of apartments, businesses, big buildings, traffic, crime, homeless, etc. We knew that's not what we came to Alaska for, nor what we wanted the kids around. 

We also like to keep our Army life and home life separate. From years of experience, it's a more healthy home life that way (not to mention, FAR less drama) The Army isn't our life, it's just my husband's job, our family does not need to be surrounded by all things military 24/7. I know some prefer it that way, and that's fine, its all about personal preference, and we just prefer to pretend we're civilians when  the uniform comes off :)

We are planning on riding out the rest of Jimmy's military service here in Alaska. Once he's out we plan to stay and start up our own business. Meanwhile, I'll be taking some classes at home to begin my work towards becoming an herbalist and possibly (in the distant future) a naturopath. Once Eli is done nursing, I'll be taking some classes at the college when I can to speed things up and do some hands on work. 

(I realize this is more like long bullets then once of my usual blogs, so please, bare with me)

Jimmy is going on a bear hunting trip in late spring, and I am excited for him to bring back some 'fun stuff' from that! He is so excited he can't stand it. Something about a man hunting a bear, I think it's one of those things that all guys want to at least attempt to do in their lives. He'll be going with some other NCO's that he works with and they are making a bit of a camping trip of it, I know he's going to have a great time.

Lexi celebrated her 5th birthday in Alaska (& in lodging), we made the best of it and she had a blast. We spoiled her all weekend long, and she is STILL getting gifts in the mail from family. I cannot believe she is 5...

Lukas loves the snow, and now with it melting and becoming slush, we have a serious mess maker on our hands. He finds it all ever so fascinating. My biggest obstacle? Trying to get him NOT to eat brown snow/icicles. The snow around here gets SO dirty near roadways and parking lots, does it bother my son? Not a bit! In fact, he find the brown snow more interesting then the beautiful, pure, untouched, clean, WHITE snow! UGH. Boys, I tell you, boys!

Eli is a teething fool! He is drooling all over the place and a big cranky butt the last month or so. We are living on camilia and amber bracelets. He is rolling over, front to back and back to front, and recently has been trying to scoot! Heaven help us! I already know, he is going to be a mover!

We had no plans for Easter this weekend, and I was determined not to spend it in lodging. So I planned out a little family vacation for us to Seward! It will be our first time really exploring and we're all excited. We're staying in a cute little hotel with and indoor pool and spa so the kids can let loose and have a blast during all our down time. We're taking them to the sea life center to check out all of the Alaskan wild life that the ocean has to offer and then going on a whale watching tour! Very exciting :)

Love to all! I'll be sending out our new address as soon as we get in to the house, April 27!

I did it in the bathroom

About a week ago, Jimmy and I took the kids out to a 'family restaraunt' here in our new town of Anchorage, Alaska. We walked in at an odd hour to eat on a week day, and I was thrilled that the place was nearly empty. No one to judge my very cranky children who had been locked up in a hotel all week and then for the last several hours while we perused prospective homes; or so I thought.

We walked in and were seated at a booth in the back, Eli was asleep in his carseat, and I was just excited to sit down and actually eat some real food (lodging offers only a mini fridge and microwave). I started to think about how I would choose what deliciousness to scarf down when, classicly, I see the blanket in Eli's carseat start to move. GRRRREAT. I scurried through the menu with my eyes while ordering for Lexi and Lukas at the same time, "Im gonna need a minute" I said as the waiter shifted his eyes to Jimmy for his order. Just then Eli let out his 'If-you-dont-put-a-boob-in-my-mouth-right-now-I-KEEL-YOU' scream. GRRRRREAT.

Jimmy started to unbuckle him and looked at me reassuringly saying, "I'll get him to go back to sleep". YEAH. RIGHT. Dream on, hunny! You may think those arms are magical, but trust me, IT 'AINT HAPPENIN'. Sure, I let him attempt to calm the boob-monster down while I (now frantically) searched the menu for something I could eat while nursing AND helping corall two over-tired toddlers. By now I noticed the stares, people starting in with their 'are they really letting that baby cry?!?' looks. It's times like this that my mommy-brain starts racing...

"look at me, look at us!" "WHAT AM I DOING?!?" "What were we thinking trying to go out to eat, we have peanut butter and jelly back at the damn room..." "Eli needs to be fed...oh gosh, he probably needs to be changed too." "Did I pack an extra thing of wipes? I think I left them in the car. Gawd, I dont want to go out to the CARRRRRRR, it's farking snowing outside!"

Well, you get the picture; and any mom knows exactly what Im talking about.

I snatched Eli from Jimmy as I noticed an older couple just mean mugging the holy bejeebus out of me. Hello! Did you not see the sign out front, the one that says 'FAMILY restaraunt'....well news flash lady, this-is-a-FAMILY. Get over it.

The waiter came back to the table as I frantically tried to unlayer (yay for it being 10 degrees outside! <--- insert sarcasm here), and that's when I realized-- I STILL HAVENT ORDERED.

My eyes captured this same old couple whispering to each other as I started to take off my jacket, then my fleece, all with a wiggling and apparently STARVING infant in my arms. I could hear their thoughts. I knew they were just waiting for me to pop out 'the boob' so they could glare at me with their 'shame-on-you' eyes.

Then I did something I still cannot believe I did. I picked up my diaper bag, Eli in hand, looked at my husband and said "just order me something I can eat with a fork, Ill be back".

As I made the shameful walk back to the other end of the restaraunt, I felt defeated. I was about to nurse...in the bathroom. Yes. Someone's judgey eyes had done me in. I didnt want someone staring at me the entire time I tried to nurse my son. I didnt want an entire restaraunt talking about how the new girl in town whipped out her boob at the lunch table. Im already conservative about nursing, and seeing those people look at me that way, well-- it bullied me right into the handicap stall of the bathroom.

I was ashamed of myself.

Over and over I hear stories of ladies standing up for breastfeeding (in public) rights and how they'll be damned if you expect them to put a blanket over their childs head or feed them in a dirty bathroom stall. 'HOOAH'. That's what I say to those women! Yet here I was...nursing, in a bathroom stall. I subjected not only myself, but my son to that. All because of what? Because some old bat would have been uncomfortable if she even THOUGHT I was nursing 5 feet from her?

Ugh, what was I doing? Why didn't I have the gusto those other women had?

Truth is, nursing is new for me. Yes Eli is my third, and I breastfed all three of my children, but I never made it past a few weeks with my other two. Im still learning how to discreetly nurse in public, and Ill be honest with you, even though I do it, I dont always feel comfortable doing it. I feel like my body is for my husband's eyes only, under the oathe I not only took to him, but to God. It's not only how I was raised, it's what I believe. Though I whole heartedly believe in the right to nurse my son in public, thinking that someone, wether purposefully or not, may sneak a peak at my 'girls'...well, it makes the whole thing kind of scary for me.

I'll never have the attitude of 'deal with it--boobs are for feeding'. Granted I have NO issues with any woman who chooses to have this attitude, it just isn't mine. I guess I just wish that there was a happy medium.

It's true what they say; if society looked at breastfeeding as something natural and accepted, like they do a bottle, this wouldnt be an issue. I absolutely KNOW that I wouldnt feel this way if people walked by me smiling as I nursed instead of with the 'is-she-really-doing-that' eyes. If employees didnt offer the dressing room while I proudly nursed in the shoe aisle of Target, if people didnt STARE when I went to FEED my three month old at a restaraunt.

I understand now, I get it. I know why giving a bottle is easier in many womens eyes, why so many women choose to pump and take a bottle out vs. trying to discreetly nurse in a public venue.

Why is it this way? Our society turns a nose up at a young mother who doesnt even attempt to breastfeed, but if that same young mother were to nurse in the middle of PF CHANGS on a Friday at dinner time--she would be MURDERED with a million eyes screaming out, "Am I really shelling out this much money to watch some woman pop out her boob?!" "Really, you couldnt have done that in the car" "Ugh. Take your kid to the bathroom if you're going to do that".

Yes.
I did it, in the bathroom.

Change of address

The time has come, again.

It's weird. When we had been here for about a year, I distinctly remember getting the itch to move. We've never been in any house for longer then 12-18 months, and the stability, well, it was just that, weird. Now here we are, packing up every last little bit of this house, combing through craigslist postings looking for moving boxes, renting a Uhaul, setting up a move-OUT inspection, searching for rental homes...across the country. Here we are, and here we go, again.

This house has become OUR home. It's the only one Lukas knows, as we arrived when he was only a few months old; an experience he'll now share with his brother, Eli, as we arrive to our new house in Alaska only a few short months after HIS arrival. We made a baby here, labored and planned to birth that baby here, and essentially brought him HOME; here. We've celebrated first steps, first words, first birthdays, and prepared for first-days-of-school here. So many memories these walls hold.

This life, the life of a military family; it's one big journey, so it's only natural that we're once again moving on and exploring new horizons.

Each move holds new excitement. New and interesting things we're about to discover that we may not have known before. That's the joy in it. I know I'm excited for the challenge. The challenge of a new climate, the snow, the cold, the darkness and light for long periods of time. The challenge of a new environment, to once again be among an active Army community. The challenge of friendship, the act of once again leaving those relationships Ive known and venturing out to make new ones, to meet new people, to make new neighbors, to make new friends.

The challenge of distance. Now that is a challenge I'm quite familiar with. This wont be the first time I move thousands of miles away from all our family and friends. That being said; it never gets easy, or easier for that matter. I dread the day I have to hug my mom goodbye and not know for sure when we'll be able to see her again. We had a smashing 2 1/2 years being so close, we were blessed; I hope we spent them well. I pray we soaked up every opportunity to visit, to have others visit, to fully take advantage of the rare opportunity of being stationed so close to family.

With my walls bare and my rooms slowly emptying out only to fill with large brown cardboard boxes, I am fighting what I know to be inevitable; we are leaving this house and never coming back.

We're leaving California...but we'll be back, that's inevitable too ;)

I let myself become attached. Perhaps because we were due to leave the Army in March and I felt secure in knowing we'd stay here, in this house. If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans; yes? If you had told me when we moved here that Jimmy would re-enlist and we'd be moving (with a NEW baby) to Alaska, Id have reacted with nothing less then an eye roll and a giggle. It's going to be hard to leave this time, it's going to be very hard.

Still, I will say goodbye knowing that God has huge plans in store for our entire family. He has taken us on an incredible journey while we've been back here in California. Now it's time to see what He has in store for us in Alaska.

Isaiah 6:8 "Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" and I said "Here I am. Send me!""

So, Alaska, here we come...ready or not!

UPDATE:

The moving truck is scheduled to be picked up on January 17th!!! Originally we had planned to do a partial DITY move, letting the Army move our household goods and just drive ourselves & the dogs up to AK. (As always) Change of plans, full DITY move is in effect. Since we cannot get the kids passports in time, we cannot drive with Jimmy. So, Jimmy and one of his soldiers are driving the Uhaul and the Armada up to Alaska with Maxx & Abby in tow. The kids and I will stay with my parents in Folsom until Jimmy gets to temp housing, then the kids and I will fly out and meet him. I will probably be at my mom's house the weekend before we pick up the truck, so around the 13th.

So, yes. The kids and I will be around for a bit longer if you want to get some last minute goodbyes in!

Please keep Jimmy in your prayers as he travels up through Canada to Alaska in this crazy winter we're having. Please pray that the transition is easy on the kids, and that we all acclimate quickly. Pray that we have a safe and uneventful flight from California to Anchorage, and a just as easy time finding a new house to call HOME.

5 weeks

Well, it has been 5 weeks today since Eli was born. I can't believe that. I'm noticing so much more with him then I did with my other two, how fast time really goes, and how quickly they change. I am soaking up every precious moment I can; knowing these moments won't last. He has already changed so much in such a short amount of time. You will not catch me uttering any "I can't wait until he can..." phrases. No. I can wait, I can definitely wait.

For those who asked; having a third baby was by far the EASIEST. Nothing got too much more crazy, and my sleep was already pretty much non-existant. I thought adding another would be such a huge struggle, but it definitely isnt. Now, I will also say that having one child who's old enough to be in school all day, helps. Okay, it helps A LOT. Having my oldest two already potty trained and still only having to deal with one in diapers, big help. Being that my kids are all 28 mos apart, helps. Haha. My oldest two already sleep through the night, etc. I remember with Lukas, walking around like a zombie for the first month. Even with my mom and Jimmy helping, I felt like death. Not much really changed when Eli came, we were ready for him.

That being said, I definitely feel like Im losing my mind a bit when Jimmy is working, Lexi's home from school, Eli wants to nurse every 45 minutes, and Lukas is turning the bathroom into a giant puddle for his playing pleasure.

I do believe the sayins "after 2 it's all downhill" to be true. The first is so hard because you have absolutely no idea what you're doing, and the second is hard because you have to learn how to divide up your time, energy, sleep, etc. Hey, maybe we're just lucky. What am I saying?! Of course we're lucky ;)

Today also marks another milestone, 5 weeks of EBFing. I honestly can't tell you how proud I am of myself. Yes, Im tooting my own horn here. After dealing with the loss I felt from Eli's complicated labor and birth; nothing is getting in my way of making this happen. I am in this for the long haul, and I am so proud and blessed that I can give this to him, and to myself. Honestly, most of the credit goes to Eli. He latched on in recovery, and hasnt had an issue since. He's made this experience EASY. In the first two weeks, with sheer exhaustion and recovery, I felt that "I dont know if I can do this" feeling, several times. Id wake up, for the fifth time, in the middle of the night and wish so badly that I could make Jimmy get up and give him a bottle. It's tough those first weeks, tough.

Now, I couldnt think anything of it. I nurse when he's hungry (which is just about any time he's awake!) I've nursed while babywearing, nursed in the car (obviously not while driving), nursed at dinner, nursed while grocery shopping...I just FEEL accomplished. & though we don't co-sleep (having Eli in bed with us), I can give a lot of credit to my co-sleeper (Arms Reach). It truly makes night time feedings so much easier, especially with having had a csection. Not having to actually get out of bed to get up and get him to nurse, wonderful! I wish I had had one with my other two...oh well, you live & learn.

I wasn't sure how the kids would react to me nursing. If Lukas would be jealous or if Lexi would ask questions, etc. I was pleasantly surprised that neither of them gave it a second thought. Lexi asked a few questions and that was it. [ I went to pick Lexi up from school last week, and upon grabbing her backpack I hear her announce to her teacher and a few friends she was playing with that "my moms boobies make milk for my brother, Eli. He doesn't need bottles.] Thnx, kid.

With the coming of yet another new year approaching, Ive been thinking so much about what Jimmy and I have created. It's so easy to get caught up in the craziness of the present, and forget where you started out from. It boggles my mind every time I stop to realize the gravity of these three precious lives that have been created out of the love we share. Children, truly, are the greatest gift and blessing that God has given us.

Lexi is currently enjoying her Christmas break from school, and in turn driving me bonkers! I have her at school 8 hrs a day usually, and I had honestly started to forget how much energy it takes to keep up with a (almost) 5 year old. We've been doing lots of arts and crafts at home, and lots and lots (& lots!) of watching 'The Grinch'.

We've been trying to prepare her for the move to Alaska as best we can. This will be the first time moving that she is old enough to really understand what's going on. Every time we tell her that we're moving to a new house and refer to how much snow there will be for her to play in, she thinks we're talking about the vacation home at Lake Tahoe we stayed in last year with my parents. Kids. She's expressed how much she'll miss everyone in her T-K class (by naming ALL of her classmates to me, over & over), but she has also shown excitement for a new school and making new friends.

I'm hoping to get involved in some sort of playgroup as soon as we arrive, to make the transition easier on both her and Lukas.

Speaking of; my little terror. Lukas is taking SO much better to having another sibling then anyone would have guessed. It hasn't seemed to bother him one bit that there is a new 'baby' in the house taking moms attention. He still insists on not letting me out of his sight, holding my hand everywhere we go (including just for a trip down the hallway), and calling "Mom! Momma! Mommy! Mommmmma!" all the time :), but hey, that's nothing new. He is very curious of Eli and asks to hold him all the time. He loves to kiss and love on him but doesn't quite understand yet how gentle he needs to be. He already says his name; which is ADORABLE. "EE--EYE!", "BABY EE-EYE", he says. Melts my heart.

Jimmy has been great. He was so great during my labor and after, helping with my recovery. He is still being super-dad and REALLY helping out with the kids and all the housework. He's been so supportive and encouraging of me nursing, I am so grateful to have him to lean on.

He has been back and forth to Monterey more times then I can count in the last few weeks, preparing for this PCS. The stress from this move to Alaska is definitely taking it's toll on us both, but he's holding us together and getting things done. He is so excited to get to Alaska (for many reasons), I just wish that getting there wasn't such a pain in the ass! We got word, just this morning, that as of right now, he is scheduled to stay at JBER as RearD for the remainder of 425's 10 month deployment to Afghanistan. I could never express in words how amazingly blessed we are to hear that news. Of course, things can always change. I've learned to never think you know ANYTHING that has to do with the Army.

We have been preparing for him to leave, so this is a very welcome surprise.

He'll be driving up to Alaska in just a few weeks, the kids and I will fly and meet him once everything is settled. Im nervous, SO nervous, but excited. We've never been at a duty station as long as we've been here, and this house has truly become our home. We've also never been so close to family, and leaving them, again, is going to be very very hard. We always wish that we could pack our family up and take them with us everywhere we go, it just doesnt work that way. We hope to recieve many visitors throughout our stay in Alaska :)

I am ready to get out of here. I go through this phase with every move. I get really excited about the new place and everything it has to offer, then, as it approaches, I get very anxious and stress out about every detail. Then, when that has driven me to the brink of absolute insanity, I realize the only thing to do to get through it without going crazy is to fully embrace it. Im ready to pack up this house and get on to the next adventure that awaits us. I just need a parka first...    

:)

The Labor and Birth of Eli Cash

Tuesday, November 15th, 430 am

I woke up feeling real crampy. This had been happening for weeks so I thought nothing of it. I got up and went to the bathroom, then crawled back in bed; hoping to catch a few more hours before it was time to get up and get Lex ready for school. I noticed that my cramps weren't going away, in fact, they may be getting worse. I tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, but nothing worked. They started going into my back--ouch. So, I decided to get in the hot shower and sit on my birthing ball, maybe that would help enough that I could go back to sleep.

It helped, and I crawled back in bed. Much to my disappointed, the pain returned soon after the heat wore off. Well, Jimmy was still sleeping, the kids were still sleeping, my mom was still sleeping...so I cuddled back under the covers and grabbed the trusty Iphone. I surfed the net for the next 3 hours keeping my mind busy. Sporadically getting up to empty my bladder throughout the early morning, I started noticing some blood. Labor? It couldn't be!

I was in complete denial. After all, I had been waiting for my body to combust into full blown labor mode since the clock struck midnight at my 37 week mark....this couldn't be it!

As the hours passed, the pain increased and became more rhythmic, I started to succumb to the idea that this may actually be happening. I decided not to wake Jimmy up and tell him. I figured he'd need all the sleep he could get for later when the fireworks happened. He was supposed to take Lexi to school that day and let me sleep in, so I got up, at a bowl of oatmeal on the couch alone in the quiet, and then got Lexi up and ready for school. My mom had planned to volunteer at Lexi's school that morning, and I knew things weren't going to happen THAT fast, so I let my mom sleep too.

Lexi was the first one I told. "Eli might be here today, bug" I told her in the car on the way to school. Her eyes got all big.

As I walked in, I no longer dreaded hearing the 'you haven't had that baby yet' remarks. "I'M IN LABOR!" I told everyone, with a smile, as they asked. "So you're on your way to the hospital? Who's picking up Lexi?" someone asked. I was so proud. "No, no. I'm having him at home!"

I walked back in the house to find my mom standing in the kitchen. I took off my hat and nonchalantly slipped out "yeah...so...I'm in labor". We talked about how far apart my contractions were, how I was feeling, etc. I told her I was going to get back in bed while Lukas was still sleeping and try to rest. She left to volunteer in Lexi's classroom and we agreed to keep each other posted via txt msgs.

I still didn't wake up Jimmy.

I wanted to. I really wanted to. We had been waiting and anxiously preparing for this for what felt like forever. I wanted him to share the excitement and nervousness with me. It was so hard looking over at him sleeping, knowing he had no clue what was happening, and letting him sleep.

About an hour later he woke up, frantic that he had slept through his alarm to take Lexi to school. He turned to me and asked what time it was, "I'm in labor" I blurted out. He flung straight up in bed, rubbed his eyes, then turned back around and said "WHAT", followed by "Well, are you sure?!", followed by "What's going on!". Frantic father freak-out moment, at it's finest.

The rest of that morning is a bit of a blur. We tidied up around the house, set up and filled up the birth pool, and mentally prepared for what was about to come. I knew my senior midwife had a big tea she had been planning for months that morning, so I decided to wait to call her. I had a feeling this was very early labor and we were in for a bit of a wait. [If I had only known!] I decided to call her around 2 or 3 in the afternoon (I seriously cannot remember) we discussed what was going on and she said she could tell by the tone in my voice that things still had a ways to go. So we agreed that I would call her if anything changed and that she would call and check on me later.

I was exhausted as the afternoon rolled around, and I wanted energy for the birth. I took a hot shower and put on my hypnobabies cd, laid on the bed and actually dozed off for an hour or so. I woke up to a contraction that nearly paralyzed me it seemed. The pain came so fast and increased with no warning, my body was almost afraid to move. Things were picking up.

I walked out to find everyone at the table eating dinner, and decided Id go ahead and join them. I sat at the table, still tired, a bit frustrated (that things weren't happening faster), and pausing to eat my meal in between contractions.When the kids went to sleep things really got painful. It started out humorous. I would come out of a contraction with a comment like "shit that hurt" or "tell me why men don't have to do this again?".

Then the yelling started. I was walking around moaning and yelling, bending over kitchen chairs, leaning against walls, crouched over counters, the works. It was Tuesday night, which of course in our house means one thing; Sons of Anarchy. I grabbed the big heating pad and Jimmy, my mom, and I all plopped on the couch to watch. In short, Jax Teller could only keep my mind off the contractions for so long...

My midwife arrived around 1030 as I was bent over the couch having a contraction. Things weren't humorous anymore. With all the hard work (aka contractions) Id been doing all day, I thought for sure Id be around 5cm dilated. She checked me...3cm. I cried. I laid on the bed and just cried. I was so frustrated. How could I have made NO progress? Ive been dilated to a 3 for over a week! Edana (my senior midwife) and Jimmy tried to offer encouragement but it wasn't getting anywhere. I was in pain, I was exhausted, and I wasn't progressing. COME ON!

By now the pain was intense. My whole body was tense waiting for another rush to come. I asked to get in the pool so I could relax for a few minutes and hopefully loosen up. It worked instantly. I hung on the side and just floated. Contractions still came but they were cake compared to outside water. I was in labor heaven. I wanted to grab my pillow and pitch camp in there for the night, I didn't want to get out. After about 10 minutes I looked at Jimmy and said "I cant stay in here. I'm too tired to even hold myself up".

Edana decided she didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone for the night, so she camped out on our couch. Checking on me ever so often. Jimmy and I were both exhausted. He lay behind me with his hand on my back, Id fall asleep in between contractions and wake to nudge him when one would start. He'd wake up just enough to apply counter pressure to my back and get me through the contraction; then we'd both pass out again.

We both woke to Lexi coming in our room that morning at 715. (27 hours of labor)

My mom got Lexi ready for school and took her so that Jimmy could stay with me. Edana came in to tell us that Jennifer and Christie (my other two midwives) were on their way and would be relieving her.

I got up and Jimmy got me more oatmeal. I don't know what it was; I ate oatmeal and whole wheat toast through my entire labor, it was all I wanted...that and hot broth.

More blur time here. I remember Jimmy got up and took a shower, and I remember he looked like death, he was so tired. My mom came in to check on me while he was in the shower and I asked her to make him breakfast, she did. Soon my other midwives arrived. They came in to check on me and chat with me, they could see my frustration and exhaustion from the night we'd just had. Christie suggested I get in the pool to relax, and I wasn't about to pass up that offer.

While I was in the pool, Edana came in and offered some homeopathy to help with the pain and make my contractions more successful. She gave instructions and then left.

The pool had heated over night and was a bit too hot for me, especially with my naturally low blood pressure. I had cold cloths on the back of my neck and top of my head. Every few minutes Id hop out of the pool, wrap myself up in Jimmy's huge towel robe, sit on the floor with a hot cup of broth and cover myself with a big fleece blanket. This was in hopes of keeping in the heat, which in turn we hoped would keep me relaxed, which we hoped would 'allow things to happen'.

Christie came in later and asked me if she wanted me to have her check and see if Id dilated anymore. "I don't know", I responded with a smile. I was nervous! I did NOT want to hear that I still hadn't progressed. So she suggested that Jimmy and I take a walk and then we'd talk about it when we got back. So we walked!

I would stop every few minutes (by now they were about 3 minutes apart) hang onto Jimmy and moan in the middle of the street. We laughed as cars drove by and gave us the most awful stares. Who knows what they were thinking! I knew I wasn't going to last long. With the contractions being so strong and my body being absolutely exhausted, I just couldn't do the walking thing. Jimmy managed to get a good 15-20 minutes out of me and then we headed back to the house as I moaned and complained that this baby was never going to come out!

We got back and I was ready to eat again. Jimmy made me a sandwich and I ate it in between horrible contractions. My midwives chatted me up and tried to keep my mind off the pain as the silently timed and counted, charted and noted. After my lunch we went back to the bedroom and talked again about checking me. I still didn't know if I wanted to be checked but decided I had put it off for too long and we really should know where I was, so I agreed. "You're 4, 4 and a half" Christie said, "ARE YOU SURE?????" I replied. I must have asked her 50 times if she was sure or not.

Ah, progression! Everyone had been telling me that 4cm was the hardest to get to and once you get there things will pick up. I was relieved. Yes it had taken me more then 24 hours to dilate 1 lousy centimeter but damnit, I FINALLY progressed.

Blur time. I remember night time approaching. I was having hard contractions all afternoon and as the night progressed, so did they. My midwives thought that when the kids went to sleep and things got quiet, Id go into transition and birth. Edana showed up around 6pm. Jimmy made dinner that night, spaghetti. I ventured into the kitchen with a sudden urge to ensure Lexi's lunch was made for school the next day. Christie made a comment about how she was always amazed at what mom's would do when in labor. Jimmy and my mom asked me if I wanted spaghetti to which I replied "hell no".

I went back into the bedroom alone, sipping on hot broth, my head hanging down. I went away and just breathed through each contraction that came. Christie came back periodically to take my blood pressure and check the baby's heart beat, and then she'd leave again to let me have my silence. Then it was time for the kids to go to bed (who had absolutely NO CLUE what was going on) so they came in for kisses and hugs.

This was around 7pm (39 hours of labor) Edana wanted to check me again and I agreed. 6cm! We all rejoiced. "He'll be here tonight or early morning" I kept hearing. I decided I was going to walk, but didn't want to venture outside. So I told Jimmy to go lay down in bed and take a nap while I waddled around the house 'walking'. I would wonder in the guest room where my mom was watching a movie and flipping through magazines, then wander into the living room where the midwives were. Id stop to have a conversation, stop to have a contraction, and then continue on walking. I started lunging and squatting, the pain and exhaustion were so intense that I just wanted him here.

Soon the contractions got to immobilizing me, I crawled on all fours around the living room, feeling the strength in my arms dwindling with each contraction. Edana would quietly rush over as she saw me go into one and offer counter pressure on my hips and back, then leave again and let me be. 2 minutes apart now and lasting about 75 seconds, the contractions were so bad. My body was telling me that something was going to happen soon; I could feel it. My mom went to sleep but we promised to wake her when the fireworks started happening. I walked in the room around 1030pm and woke up Jimmy as I made my way into the pool. I had tried to hold off getting in but I couldn't take it anymore.

Edana took my blood pressure and Christie checked heart tones on the baby. I mentioned I was hungry and Jimmy left the room to make me more oatmeal. Edana left the room to go record the baby's heart beat and my blood pressure. Christie left the room to get me a giant cup of ice water. So, it was just Jennifer and I. She sat on the edge of my bed and quietly let me go through each contraction, I had one just as everyone left the room. I squatted down and really concentrated on relaxing every muscle in my body and just allowing my uterus to do its job. I was bound and determined and this point to get this show on the road.

Another contraction came, I hung my head and relaxed....

"I THINK MY WATER JUST BROKE!!", I said with as much energy as I could conjure up. Jennifer calmly asked me a few questions and then went to get Edana. Everyone came rushing in as I continued to repeat to everyone that entered that my water had indeed broke. WOO HOO, I thought. Here we go! I didn't care if labor lasted 12 more hours at that point, I was hyped up on progression. Knowing that now there was no denying that my baby was coming!

Jimmy fed me a few bites of oatmeal and then I had a contraction. This contraction was different. The pain drenched my body in a unforgiving tone that no contraction had showed me before. It was fast, there was no progression like the others had been. I started crying, moaning, grunting, and moving. The contraction finally came to an end and I was relieved; finally a break I thought. I was waiting for the breathe to be reloaded back into my lungs so I could tell them what I just experienced, but I never got the chance. Before I could catch my breathe another contraction came, the pain even worse. I screamed.

Everyone kept telling me to breathe, to relax...but I couldn't. I heard my mom come in and ask how far dilated I was. I don't remember anyone answering, or anyone talking, or anything besides the pain. I remember thinking to myself "okay, he's coming" and making it through a few more, but not easily. Jimmy would come over and Id lie my head on him and sob, then the contraction would hit and I would push him away full force. I couldn't have anyone touching me or near me, I felt like I couldn't even breathe. I kept hearing hospital being tossed around but I never acknowledged it one way or another. I was just focused thinking any minute something would happen and birth would be imminent, but nothing did happen.

My pain was unbearable, even in the pool. Edana had offered me a homeopath for the path some contractions prior and it was doing nothing. Every contraction I could hear them talking to each other, looking for ideas on how to help me through the pain. "Well I've never seen a mother in this much pain" I heard Christie say, "& she has a high pain threshold" Jennifer chimed in. I thought to myself thank goodness, at least if I wasn't able to verbalize what I was going through...they obviously had a grasp on it.

Ednana asked me to get out so she could check me, and I fell apart at the thought of even getting out of the tub. The pain was so bad in the water, I knew it would be insane out of the water. Jimmy helped me out and I collapsed to my knees and pulled Jimmy down with me. I cried, I begged for them to make it stop. They were coming one on top of the other and each one felt 10X worse then the last, which I didn't think was even possible, because each contraction I was having felt like the worst possible pain that could be inflicted on a human being. Edana said she could check me on the ground so that I didn't have to make it up to the bed, but even moving off my knees felt like I feat I couldn't accomplish.

With my mom and Jimmy holding me I waited as Edana quickly checked me and frustrated as all get out said "still 6". Edana kept saying there was nothing else she could do for me and since I wasn't progressing she wanted me to consider going to the hospital. "Ive delivered over a thousand babies and Ive never seen someone in so much pain" she followed with. I could see them all begin to worry as they waited for me to say something. All I could think of was wow, I'm failing. I'm that 2% that has to transfer. I'm not going to get my home birth. The door shut on that dream 2 contractions ago. Then I started thinking how far the hospital was, that even if we left Id be laboring in the car for up to an hour before I reached the hospital where they could give me some relief from the pain. That thought just about did me in.

With each contraction I would thrash my head back and forth. The pain was so bad it was the only thing my body felt right doing. At the end of another contraction I clung to Jimmy, balling, and looked at him. I begged him with everything in me, I looked in his eyes and begged from the depths of my soul for him to knock me out. I saw him turn his head and try not to cry as he clung onto me, holding me up. My mom got me dressed as my bag of waters continued to leak and the contractions continued to come. There was some conversation about who's car had more gas and then scrambling about as Jimmy passed me off to my mom.

My mom was the only calm one. She helped me hobble down the hallway as I sobbed to her about how I failed, how I didn't do it, how I was going to have to have a c section. She enforced me with how proud she was of me and that everything was going to be okay. Edana passed by as we were conversing and chimed in with "Tearah, you never know, you just might have this baby in the car!" as she ushered Christie to grab the oxygen and birth kit. I sobbed again "I don't want to have my baby in the car! I want to have him here!" I pulled myself together for the 30 or so seconds it took for me to walk to the car. I refused to buckle up and demanded oxygen. I couldn't believe I was about to labor in the back of a car.

Edana wanted Christie in the back with me but Jimmy wouldn't have it, he got in the back with me just as my mom threatened his very existence if he didn't call and keep her updated. We were off.

"Tearah. Jimmy. How comfortable do you feel with me driving over the speed limit?" Edana asked. "VERY COMFORTABLE" I yelled underneath my oxygen mask.

Jimmy rubbed my leg and held my hand. With every contraction he worked so hard not to allow me to get worked up. "Just breathe", to which I always responded "I cant breathe!". Bless his heart.

We finally arrived and the wheel chair came out to get me. We had called ahead, so they were expecting us. I refused to let go of the oxygen so Christie came with me and whoever came out to get me from the hospital as I was wheeled up to L&D. Jimmy and Edana checked me in. We got to the room and more of my water came out all over the floor as I stood up. Thank goodness my nurse was an angel. She kept telling me everything was okay, not to worry about anything, and that she would get me drugs asap.

We waited, and waited, and waited. The on call doctor who had been called was on his way in, but no one could get a hold of him. Which meant that no one could get approval to give me anything. "JUST PUT ME OUT!" I begged. Give me the damn gas mask and make me count backwards, PLEASE!

Honestly, I don't know how I made it through those couple of hours from home to hospital. With each peak I kept thinking I was surely going to pass out. That I welcomed...at least it would mean no pain.

Finally the doctor arrived, and IV was started, and pain meds administered. Edana and Jimmy talked to the doctor and tried to advocate for me but he wouldn't have it. There was no way in hell he was going to let me try for a VBAC. The IV drugs were started and I grabbed my nurses shirt and thanked her with every molecule of gratitude I had in me. 10 minutes later the pain was back. They had given me the strongest IV pain meds they could, and they lasted 10 minutes. I could only have them once an hour. I had them three times before tears, arguing, conversation, questions, phone calls, and fury had ended with me being prepped for surgery.

I asked them to be unconscious during the surgery. I was in so much pain that the thought of having a spinal done was just incomprehensible. I wasn't even willing to put my body or my mind through something as minuscule as a needle, I was done. They wouldn't let me though, I had to be awake for surgery. As they wheeled me down the hall my nurse was going over the paperwork and questions for surgery as quickly as she could. My pain meds weren't working anymore and I was screaming "please make it stop!" for about twenty minutes or so. She asked me if I wanted a tubal ligation and I immediately replied yes. "No, she cant make that decision, she's not coherent" I heard. "No, I'm coherent! I cant do this again!" to which he replied "I'm sorry, we cant let you make that decision right now".

I went into the OR, the spinal happened, and the numbness came. It was...amazing. My body tried so hard to shut down at that point. I hadn't slept in over 48 hrs and the final relief from the pain just did me in. I fought with all I had left to keep my eyes open. I remember Jimmy coming in and taking my hand, and I remember Eli crying. I remember looking over to catch a peak at him and seeing Jimmy turn around to look at me with wells of tears in his eyes, "he's perfect". I balled. They lifted him up to show me; he was, he was so perfect.

Eli Cash Parker, born on Thursday, November 17th, at 5:32 am; 49 hours after mom went into labor. Weighing in at a whopping 8lbs 0z and 20 inches long. Dark brown hair, brown eyes, ten fingers, and ten toes :)

I told Jimmy to go with Eli as they finished my surgery. I asked about my placenta, the cord, my scar tissue, the bleeding, the bag of waters...my anesthesiologist said "geez kid, you sure are well aware for being in so much pain. Stop worrying, it's over now. Relax" The next thing I remember I was wheeled into recovery. The baby was there and his apgar was 9.9. Jimmy and I just kept looking at each other and crying. It was finally over, he was finally here.

I got to hold him and nurse him right away, and we were all in shock as he crawled right up to my breast and latched. He nursed and fell asleep on my chest. I was able to  keep him the entire time I was in recovery.

Later my doctor came in and told me that Eli was stuck, that my hips were shaped so that I would never be able to birth naturally. I could dilate to 6 on my own but after that the cervix needs pressure from the baby's head, and Eli just couldn't descend because of my hips. "Never be able to birth naturally", "never be able to birth naturally?" He explained in more detail but I didn't hear anything that he was saying. I caught the end "so you were in labor for two days for nothing".

So that's it. That's the story of Eli's grand entrance into the world. MY CBA2C story, not my HBA2C story. I tried, and no one can take my 49 hour labor from me. I wear those hours like my husband wears the stripes on his Class A's for time served; proudly. I did that, and I gave it everything I had and then some. I'm still tore up about it, I wont lie. I'm coming to terms with it, but it was still devastating.

It's been talked about, Jimmy and I wanting more kids. Yes, even after Eli we had planned to attempt at least one more. Now, that dream has washed away. This csection was so unwanted, so unwelcome. This recovery so unwelcome...I cannot do this again. I said that the last time, when Lukas was born. I swore Id never have another one, and I did. It was traumatic and I'm scarred, literally. I'm learning to accept it but I will not, cannot do it again. So realizing that this is my last, heartbreaking.

I'm ready to heal and move on, emotionally and physically. I'm ready to accept, it just isn't quite happening yet. 

Thank you all for your support and prayers. I know so many of you were looking forward to a much different story, and I feel like I let some people down. I fought as hard as I could and that's what I have to take pride in, and I do. I wouldn't take back that labor if I could. I experienced labor for the first time, and I'm glad I gave that experience to myself. I love you all.

I dont know about this...

We can see the finish line, ladies & gentlemen. Some days, still, I forget that Im carrying around a nearly 6 lb human. Maybe it's my busy schedule, other two minions, or the fact that this process just happened SO fast! Nevertheless, it's time for me to accept it, Im pregnant. Lol. That's right, Tearah. You're having another baby, it's real!

Being that this is my third baby, I knew how long the wait would be. Ive talked about this baby and this birth for the last 9 months constantly. Now, for some reason, with prodomal labor setting in, his bed set up, and the reality hitting me smack in the face -- Ive started freak-out mode.

The other day, out of the blue, I completely lost it! I sobbed to Jimmy, "I don't know if I can do this!" quickly followed by "okay, I can do this, but...I dont know if I WANT to do this!". Push a 6-9 lb human being out of my hoo-ha? WHAT?!? Like this is news to me or something! Suddenly, my well thought out plan has gone to (for lack of a better term) complete shit.

I'll be honest, labor does not intimidate me at all; it's the actual pushing stage and delivery that scares the holy buh-gee-bus out of me. OY! There's no way around it. You either push him out, or you stay pregnant forever. (this is what Im telling myself as Im seriously trying to conjur up ways in my brain to somehow 'skip' that part!)

I've done everything I can do to keep myself busy. Ive washed all his clothes, his blankets, his sheets. His bed has been set up, his changing table cleaned and prepared, all NB diapers prepped and ready to go.... Then I cleaned. I cleaned everything (I am still cleaning as we speak) I dusted, I steamed, I cleaned my shower with a toothbrush! Then I got frustrated, truly. "Come on! There has to be something Im missing that needs to be cleaned, wiped down, disinfected, organized! Something!" I think to myself. I find little things every day, and I grin as I spot it out--ha!

Then I felt like I needed to prepare the family. I went through all the kids clothes and boxed up everything that doesnt fit anymore. I organized there closets and seperated all of Lexi's play clothes from her school clothes to make Daddy and Nana's job easier when Im down for the count. I washed sheets, disinfected mattresses, steam cleaned and vacuumed floors. I wiped down window sills, cleaned the windows, anything I could think of!

Then I came to Jimmy. He quickly assured me that he needed no help 'preparing' him for our son. (I will never admit this out-loud to him, but he is so much more prepared and ready then I am. THANK GOD, I may need to make a complete hormonal fool of myself and just fall apart on him) I greeted his remark with resentment! There must be something I can do. I washed all his uniforms, organized his dresser droors, cleaned out his side of the bathroom and stocked him up on deodarant, razors, and shaving cream---just because it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I think he got the hint that I NEEDED to do this and finally shutup about how he didnt need my help.

So here's my problem now...I have nothing left to do! haha. Nothing to clean, to prepare, nothing! I have all the time in the world to just sit around and think. "Invision your labor from start to finish"--my Bradley instructor tells me. Well, I've tried that; it always ends up in my balling my eyes out, so we're putting that on hold for now. Then yesterday at my appointment my midwives gave me an assignment, "be in the moment, let everything dissapear and just, be."

Thank goodness I warned them at the beginning of this pregnancy what a HUGE control freak I am and how difficult something like THAT is for me. Im a busy bee! That's how I keep sane.

I know I need to work on this though. Labor is something that will be completely out of my control and I need to learn to just 'let go' and 'be'.

Thankfully, I have an amazing team. My three midwives, my husband, and my mom. All who I trust completely, and I think that is KEY for an experience like Im about to put myself through. For me at least, I need to KNOW that everyone around me knows what they're doing, has my best interest at hand, loves and cares for me, etc. This way I CAN let go. I dont need to be in control because I trust these people to take the reigns and guide me down this path.

I know my midwives will reassure me, support me, encourage me, and guide me to the birth I want for both myself and ___. I know that Jimmy will carry me emotionally, I know he will protect me, calm me, love me, and do whatever the hell I tell him to ;) I know my mom will be a subtle presence with all the reassurance in the world, I know she'll tell me to 'suck it up' when no one else has the balls to tell me to, I know she will support Jimmy when he needs it, and I know she will be there for the kids. I have every possible base covered. Im going in petrified, but Im going in prepared, Im going in confident. This can happen, this WILL happen (wether I want it to or not!)

Yes, I am fully committed to this home birth. I am fully committed to providing a safe environment for our son to be brought into the world. That doesn't mean Im not losing my marbles over here about the reality Im about the face. Ive gone from "Im ready to do this." to "I dont know if I can do this!" to "alright...let's do this" all in the last 48 hours...and Im sure this wont be the end of it either!

Im allowed to be nucking futs for a little while. Im allowed to totally freak out and ball my head off; I think it's all part of the process. No second thoughts, just real woman fears. That's the truth, I wont hide it from you guys. I. Am. Scared!