We walked in and were seated at a booth in the back, Eli was asleep in his carseat, and I was just excited to sit down and actually eat some real food (lodging offers only a mini fridge and microwave). I started to think about how I would choose what deliciousness to scarf down when, classicly, I see the blanket in Eli's carseat start to move. GRRRREAT. I scurried through the menu with my eyes while ordering for Lexi and Lukas at the same time, "Im gonna need a minute" I said as the waiter shifted his eyes to Jimmy for his order. Just then Eli let out his 'If-you-dont-put-a-boob-in-my-mouth-right-now-I-KEEL-YOU' scream. GRRRRREAT.
Jimmy started to unbuckle him and looked at me reassuringly saying, "I'll get him to go back to sleep". YEAH. RIGHT. Dream on, hunny! You may think those arms are magical, but trust me, IT 'AINT HAPPENIN'. Sure, I let him attempt to calm the boob-monster down while I (now frantically) searched the menu for something I could eat while nursing AND helping corall two over-tired toddlers. By now I noticed the stares, people starting in with their 'are they really letting that baby cry?!?' looks. It's times like this that my mommy-brain starts racing...
"look at me, look at us!" "WHAT AM I DOING?!?" "What were we thinking trying to go out to eat, we have peanut butter and jelly back at the damn room..." "Eli needs to be fed...oh gosh, he probably needs to be changed too." "Did I pack an extra thing of wipes? I think I left them in the car. Gawd, I dont want to go out to the CARRRRRRR, it's farking snowing outside!"
Well, you get the picture; and any mom knows exactly what Im talking about.
I snatched Eli from Jimmy as I noticed an older couple just mean mugging the holy bejeebus out of me. Hello! Did you not see the sign out front, the one that says 'FAMILY restaraunt'....well news flash lady, this-is-a-FAMILY. Get over it.
The waiter came back to the table as I frantically tried to unlayer (yay for it being 10 degrees outside! <--- insert sarcasm here), and that's when I realized-- I STILL HAVENT ORDERED.
My eyes captured this same old couple whispering to each other as I started to take off my jacket, then my fleece, all with a wiggling and apparently STARVING infant in my arms. I could hear their thoughts. I knew they were just waiting for me to pop out 'the boob' so they could glare at me with their 'shame-on-you' eyes.
Then I did something I still cannot believe I did. I picked up my diaper bag, Eli in hand, looked at my husband and said "just order me something I can eat with a fork, Ill be back".
As I made the shameful walk back to the other end of the restaraunt, I felt defeated. I was about to nurse...in the bathroom. Yes. Someone's judgey eyes had done me in. I didnt want someone staring at me the entire time I tried to nurse my son. I didnt want an entire restaraunt talking about how the new girl in town whipped out her boob at the lunch table. Im already conservative about nursing, and seeing those people look at me that way, well-- it bullied me right into the handicap stall of the bathroom.
I was ashamed of myself.
Over and over I hear stories of ladies standing up for breastfeeding (in public) rights and how they'll be damned if you expect them to put a blanket over their childs head or feed them in a dirty bathroom stall. 'HOOAH'. That's what I say to those women! Yet here I was...nursing, in a bathroom stall. I subjected not only myself, but my son to that. All because of what? Because some old bat would have been uncomfortable if she even THOUGHT I was nursing 5 feet from her?
Ugh, what was I doing? Why didn't I have the gusto those other women had?
Truth is, nursing is new for me. Yes Eli is my third, and I breastfed all three of my children, but I never made it past a few weeks with my other two. Im still learning how to discreetly nurse in public, and Ill be honest with you, even though I do it, I dont always feel comfortable doing it. I feel like my body is for my husband's eyes only, under the oathe I not only took to him, but to God. It's not only how I was raised, it's what I believe. Though I whole heartedly believe in the right to nurse my son in public, thinking that someone, wether purposefully or not, may sneak a peak at my 'girls'...well, it makes the whole thing kind of scary for me.
I'll never have the attitude of 'deal with it--boobs are for feeding'. Granted I have NO issues with any woman who chooses to have this attitude, it just isn't mine. I guess I just wish that there was a happy medium.
It's true what they say; if society looked at breastfeeding as something natural and accepted, like they do a bottle, this wouldnt be an issue. I absolutely KNOW that I wouldnt feel this way if people walked by me smiling as I nursed instead of with the 'is-she-really-doing-that' eyes. If employees didnt offer the dressing room while I proudly nursed in the shoe aisle of Target, if people didnt STARE when I went to FEED my three month old at a restaraunt.
I understand now, I get it. I know why giving a bottle is easier in many womens eyes, why so many women choose to pump and take a bottle out vs. trying to discreetly nurse in a public venue.
Why is it this way? Our society turns a nose up at a young mother who doesnt even attempt to breastfeed, but if that same young mother were to nurse in the middle of PF CHANGS on a Friday at dinner time--she would be MURDERED with a million eyes screaming out, "Am I really shelling out this much money to watch some woman pop out her boob?!" "Really, you couldnt have done that in the car" "Ugh. Take your kid to the bathroom if you're going to do that".
Yes.
I did it, in the bathroom.
