I dont know about this...

We can see the finish line, ladies & gentlemen. Some days, still, I forget that Im carrying around a nearly 6 lb human. Maybe it's my busy schedule, other two minions, or the fact that this process just happened SO fast! Nevertheless, it's time for me to accept it, Im pregnant. Lol. That's right, Tearah. You're having another baby, it's real!

Being that this is my third baby, I knew how long the wait would be. Ive talked about this baby and this birth for the last 9 months constantly. Now, for some reason, with prodomal labor setting in, his bed set up, and the reality hitting me smack in the face -- Ive started freak-out mode.

The other day, out of the blue, I completely lost it! I sobbed to Jimmy, "I don't know if I can do this!" quickly followed by "okay, I can do this, but...I dont know if I WANT to do this!". Push a 6-9 lb human being out of my hoo-ha? WHAT?!? Like this is news to me or something! Suddenly, my well thought out plan has gone to (for lack of a better term) complete shit.

I'll be honest, labor does not intimidate me at all; it's the actual pushing stage and delivery that scares the holy buh-gee-bus out of me. OY! There's no way around it. You either push him out, or you stay pregnant forever. (this is what Im telling myself as Im seriously trying to conjur up ways in my brain to somehow 'skip' that part!)

I've done everything I can do to keep myself busy. Ive washed all his clothes, his blankets, his sheets. His bed has been set up, his changing table cleaned and prepared, all NB diapers prepped and ready to go.... Then I cleaned. I cleaned everything (I am still cleaning as we speak) I dusted, I steamed, I cleaned my shower with a toothbrush! Then I got frustrated, truly. "Come on! There has to be something Im missing that needs to be cleaned, wiped down, disinfected, organized! Something!" I think to myself. I find little things every day, and I grin as I spot it out--ha!

Then I felt like I needed to prepare the family. I went through all the kids clothes and boxed up everything that doesnt fit anymore. I organized there closets and seperated all of Lexi's play clothes from her school clothes to make Daddy and Nana's job easier when Im down for the count. I washed sheets, disinfected mattresses, steam cleaned and vacuumed floors. I wiped down window sills, cleaned the windows, anything I could think of!

Then I came to Jimmy. He quickly assured me that he needed no help 'preparing' him for our son. (I will never admit this out-loud to him, but he is so much more prepared and ready then I am. THANK GOD, I may need to make a complete hormonal fool of myself and just fall apart on him) I greeted his remark with resentment! There must be something I can do. I washed all his uniforms, organized his dresser droors, cleaned out his side of the bathroom and stocked him up on deodarant, razors, and shaving cream---just because it sounded like a good idea at the time.

I think he got the hint that I NEEDED to do this and finally shutup about how he didnt need my help.

So here's my problem now...I have nothing left to do! haha. Nothing to clean, to prepare, nothing! I have all the time in the world to just sit around and think. "Invision your labor from start to finish"--my Bradley instructor tells me. Well, I've tried that; it always ends up in my balling my eyes out, so we're putting that on hold for now. Then yesterday at my appointment my midwives gave me an assignment, "be in the moment, let everything dissapear and just, be."

Thank goodness I warned them at the beginning of this pregnancy what a HUGE control freak I am and how difficult something like THAT is for me. Im a busy bee! That's how I keep sane.

I know I need to work on this though. Labor is something that will be completely out of my control and I need to learn to just 'let go' and 'be'.

Thankfully, I have an amazing team. My three midwives, my husband, and my mom. All who I trust completely, and I think that is KEY for an experience like Im about to put myself through. For me at least, I need to KNOW that everyone around me knows what they're doing, has my best interest at hand, loves and cares for me, etc. This way I CAN let go. I dont need to be in control because I trust these people to take the reigns and guide me down this path.

I know my midwives will reassure me, support me, encourage me, and guide me to the birth I want for both myself and ___. I know that Jimmy will carry me emotionally, I know he will protect me, calm me, love me, and do whatever the hell I tell him to ;) I know my mom will be a subtle presence with all the reassurance in the world, I know she'll tell me to 'suck it up' when no one else has the balls to tell me to, I know she will support Jimmy when he needs it, and I know she will be there for the kids. I have every possible base covered. Im going in petrified, but Im going in prepared, Im going in confident. This can happen, this WILL happen (wether I want it to or not!)

Yes, I am fully committed to this home birth. I am fully committed to providing a safe environment for our son to be brought into the world. That doesn't mean Im not losing my marbles over here about the reality Im about the face. Ive gone from "Im ready to do this." to "I dont know if I can do this!" to "alright...let's do this" all in the last 48 hours...and Im sure this wont be the end of it either!

Im allowed to be nucking futs for a little while. Im allowed to totally freak out and ball my head off; I think it's all part of the process. No second thoughts, just real woman fears. That's the truth, I wont hide it from you guys. I. Am. Scared!