My Story

Well, I guess we should start with an introduction. I'll just cover the basics. I'm a mom. Yes. A mom of 2, to be exact. I'm a wife, married to a man in uniform. & I promise one thing, I promise to be real. Here is some of my story.

So! Let's go.

My oldest, who is turning 4 in the early spring, was diagnosed with epilepsy when she was about 18 mos old. Before that it was a bumpy road, to say the least. Geez, I guess I have to back way up to really tell this right.

When my daughter was born, my husband was deployed to Afghanistan. So, I was a new, 20 year old mom, basically doing it on my own. I lived with my parents for a while, but eventually I moved back home, and by back home I mean all the way across the country. Far from all my family and friends.


I brought home my 4 month old to an empty house, all the way to North Carolina. I wanted to be independent and prove to myself I could run a house and raise a baby while my husband was away. So, one of the first things I did when I got back was schedule Lexi an appointment at the pediatrician. Her 4 month check up. I remember that visit well. It's weird how things like that stay in your head so vividly. The check-up went fine, she was average on the charts, and her immunizations went beautifully. Barely a cry, my little champ.


Then, the drive home. I remember getting all the way to the gate and realizing I had left my ID back at the doctors office. Frantically, I turned the car around and drove back. It was July in North Carolina, the last place I wanted to be was in the car. It was when I pulled into the parking lot at the doctor's office that I noticed Lexi passed out in her car seat. Which I raised an eyebrow to, since she had just had her nap before we left, but, I passed it off as nothing and went about getting my ID.

When we got home she was still out. So, I did what any mother of an infant would. I tried my best not to wake her, tip toed upstairs, and placed her in bed. Goodness, she was a beautiful, peaceful child. Perfect pail skin, eyelashes for days, gorgeous.

Then, I remember thinking to myself that she had been sleeping far too long, and, that if I didn't get her up, she wasn't going to go to sleep that night. So, I decided I was going to go in and wake her. I opened her door, flipped on the light, and walked across that unforgiving hardwood floor to her crib. I couldn't believe she was still asleep! I snatched her up in my arms and started walking downstairs with her.

That's when I knew.

With each step I took down those stairs it became more and more apparent to me that something was wrong. Each step became faster as I rushed to get her downstairs to the couch where I could look at her. She was trembling. I tried to wake her. Talking to her, rubbing her, anything I could think of. She was completely non-responsive. What do I do? What do I do? What's wrong with her!

I rushed her to the ER, which luckily for me was only a few minutes away. I remember them just taking her from me. Which literally felt like my heart being ripped straight out of my chest. I felt an actual physical pain that I couldn't explain. Then, I remember over hearing that her fever was somewhere around 105. I didn't understand what was going on, what was wrong with her. I wanted so badly to rush in and be super-mom for my baby, to protect her and shield her from any pain or fear she may be having. To hold her and somehow make everything better. I would have given anything just to take that from her.

I watched them hook up all these monitors to her, shovel tylenol down her throat, and then. Then a nurse came to me and said, 'she's having what we call febrile seizure's', and this part I remember the most, she said, 'it's nothing to worry about, it happens all the time with high fever's, she'll be fine'. She'll be fine. Ah! I could breathe. The doctor said my baby is going to be okay!

If I had only known.

I took her home, hours later, with nothing but a paper bag filled with a bottle of tylenol. We snuggled in bed all night, and everything seemed fine. She was responsive, interactive. Nothing had changed. What a nightmare, but it was over.

How I wish nothing had changed, how I wish it had ended there.



I remember very clearly when it first happened.



About 2 weeks later, we were sitting on my bed upstairs watching Sesame Street. I remember this because I started sifting through the channels trying to find something else to watch! I found something that looked like it would hold my interest more then Big Bird, and went to place the remote control back down on my night stand. As I turned back around, I saw Lexi, lying on her back, shaking. Her eyes were twitching, almost rolling back in her head, like something completely out of a horror film.

Tears were immediate. I begged her to be okay as I swooped her up and ran downstairs. Hysterical I rushed her back to the ER. By the time we got there, her shaking had stopped. She was fine. Babbling, whiny, regular little 5 month old. The nurses in the waiting room looked at me like I was a nut case. They took her temperature, which was normal, and told me to take a seat. We waited.

We waited, and we waited, and we waited. To make this part a long story, short. I ended up having to cause quite a ruckus before we were seen. When we were done seeing the doctor, I had to be escorted to my car by an MP.

The doctor told me nothing. He checked her out and back to me with a clean bill of health. 'There's a million reasons those things could have happened', he told me. 'If she gets a fever, or it happens again, bring her back in'. Isn't that what they say about everything?

So here I am, completely confused. Because you see, I know what I saw. I know my child, and I know, I know something is not right. No, something is very, very wrong.

The next day I'm folding laundry, flipping through the channels, when I land on Oprah. (Yeah, I watched alot of TV, what do you want from me?) I wasn't really paying attention since I had just got off the phone with my husband. I was still high off the jitters from hearing his voice after 20+ days. There was this lady on there who I didn't know, and had never heard of before. Jenny McCarthy was her name, she was talking about her son. I walked past the TV to go into the kitchen as I heard, 'febrile seizure'.

Boom. I stopped dead in my tracks. I was glued to the TV for the next 45 minutes, my jaw hung open in disbelief at what I was hearing. "Shots? Shots could be causing... bad things to happen???"

"This doesn't make sense! I received all my shots growing up. I mean, every kid dreads shots, but, we all got them! Shots keep us from getting sick, how could they possibly lead to something like this? Well, what's in them? Oh my gosh...I don't know. I have no clue what's in shots!"

I plopped down in front of my PC and started googling my little heart out. I couldn't believe all the stuff that I was finding, and so easily! I mean, I didn't have to dig, or have connections. This stuff was right there! Right at my fingertips. Why haven't I ever even heard about any of this stuff? There was so much information, yet I had never even heard it mentioned before.

I found studies, articles, books, web pages with links to more webpages, testimonials. You name it, it was there. I decided in that moment, that until I learned more, Lexi wasn't going to get any more immunizations. I didn't know if I was going to keep giving them to her or not. I just knew that I had to figure out for myself what was going on, and, that I had to make my own decision about it before I did it again.

That was God. That was God slapping me in the face and waking me up. I don't even watch Oprah! God intended for me to be there, watching that woman speak, at that very moment. He lit a wild fire in me that I am so thankful for. I can thank Jenny McCarthy for her words, she reached me that day, and if it wasn't for her speaking out, I may have never known. She definitely accomplished her goal there, and I do thank her for that.

When it comes down to it, to the very core of me, I know, God is in control.


I kept at this research for days. I found myself with this passion to learn more and more. I just couldn't get enough information in fast enough. A few days after my Oprah ordeal, I got a call from Jimmy. I was so enthused to tell him about all of this. I wanted his opinion, I needed it! We were a team and I wanted so badly to know what he thought about everything.

Nope, no time. I got a five minute phone call letting me know he wouldn't be able to call for a while. Oh, I knew what that meant. Another damn mission. GREAT! 30 days before I can run all this information through his head? AH! I remember wanting to just throw it out there so bad, but not wanting to stress him before he left. So, I kept it in.

I started talking to my mom about what I was doing, all the things I was finding out. I didn't know what she was going to think of me. She could very well think I'm crazy, and dismiss me just as the doctors had when I stood there telling them something was wrong with my baby. But I needed someone to support me through all this, and maybe even to reassure myself that I wasn't crazy!

She was so supportive. She would even call me and tell me what she had found out about immunizations and their effects, she gave me things to check out,  and, she was totally on board! That's just what I needed to head off, full steam. She was totally in my corner and ready to fight if I needed her to. Ah, my mom saved my sanity while Jimmy was gone, she held my head above water many a times!

The more I found out, the more my decision started to sway in one direction. The direction that, vaccines aren't really all that we are lead to believe they are. It made me terrified, I wont lie. It made me afraid as a parent to realize that there is so much we don't know about.

After I eventually got to talk with Jimmy, we decided together that we would delay any more immunizations until Lexi was 2 years old. I had done a lot of research on the immune system and how it handles the vaccines, and I had decided that she would get no more until then, and that she would get them selectively, one at a time.

I didn't stop though. I honestly don't know why, I mean I did my homework, made my decision, and felt at ease with it. I guess it's like I said before, God set a wildfire in me, and it just wouldn't stop.

Lexi's 'episodes' didn't stop there. She had several more before Jimmy came home in April of '08. Lexi was 13 months old then. All of them unexplained, with doctors assuring me that nothing was wrong. No one even hinted at epilepsy, even with the tests, scans, and blood work she had been put through for the last 9 mos.

I remember one time after one of her 'episodes', she was scheduled for a CT. It was late at night, nearly midnight, Lexi and I were exhausted. I just wanted answers. I wanted to find the problem so we could fix it. They laid her down on the table for the CT and I remember them wrapping her, like a burrito. She couldn't move and only her head was sticking out. She was screaming,  and terrified. Then they told me that I had to lay on her to hold her down. They put the protective jacket on me and had me lay directly on top of her, 'use all your weight, and keep her still'.

She was screaming for me. She didn't understand anything that was going on. She was scared out of her mind, looking to me for condolence, comfort, and here I was, holding her down. Trying to talk to her and calm her down, but I couldn't even hear my own voice over her cries.

When they were done I wrapped her in my arms and just held her. I cried with her and said how sorry I was, that we were going to help her get better. We sat in back in the chairs and waited to hear the results. The man who operated the CT machine came out and said that the scans didn't come out properly, we'd have to do it again.

My heart just about sank right out of my chest. You know this is something you have to do for your child, but why does it have to be so hard. I wanted to leave there and just say forget it, but I knew we had to do this. Even thinking about it now brings me to tears. That was so hard. How do you explain to your baby that you have to go through all that again?

They found nothing. I was in shambles. Nothing? How could they find nothing. After all that, and nothing.

That was the last time we dealt with an ER.

Jimmy came home, and we had our family again. Things were absolute bliss. Lexi had gone months without an 'episode' and we were sure they had passed for good. We went on with our every day lives. We bought a new car, moved to a new apartment, it was really wonderful. Lexi was walking, talking, and taking time-outs now! She was growing up right before my eyes and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

We moved off post, which meant we were farther away from Jimmy when he was at work, and much farther away from the hospital then before.

Since Jimmy had been home Lexi hadn't had an 'episode'. I had told him all the stories, and he had heard about them many times, but thankfully, he had never experienced one. We were both confident in our decision to delay her vaccinations until she turned 2. Which, was coming up quicker then we knew.

One afternoon, while Jimmy was home from work, Lexi and I were upstairs playing. Jimmy was out-back clearing out his storage, getting ready for a ruck march in the morning. I told Lexi it was time for bed. She was over tired since she skipped one of her naps earlier, and I could tell she was fading. Well, like most over tired children, she was not having it. She started crying at the mere mention of bedtime. She was standing up walking away from me when she fell to the floor.

Oh goodness, here we go. She is throwing a huge tantrum, I thought. But, she wasn't moving, and I didn't hear that cry. You know, when kids are about ready to let out a huge whale they are always silent for a moment, holding it in. Still not realizing what was going on, I went over to her and turned her over. She was rigid. I could hear her making a noise that almost sounded like she was gasping for air, and one side of her body was twitching. I screamed, screamed at the top of my lungs for Jimmy. I was sure the whole neighborhood could hear me screaming for him.

I cradled her in my arms, and sobbed. Why was this happening again? & this time was not like the rest, this was so much worse then I had ever seen. Still screaming for Jimmy, I couldn't understand why he wasn't coming. I tried to focus on the clock, counting how long it lasted, I knew that was crucial information I needed to get back to the doctors so they could help her. I couldn't focus. She wasn't waking up, Jimmy wasn't coming. As I went to pick her up, the shaking and rigidity almost rolled off of her. It took a few seconds, but, she opened her eyes.

It's very odd to watch a child come out of a seizure. They, most of the time, have absolutely no idea what happened. Lexi has even tried to continue to do what she was doing before the seizure started. That's always helped me a little bit, to know she cant remember. If I can bare that part of the burden for her, at least that's something.

Jimmy couldn't hear me. He had no idea what had happened until it was all over. We watched her for an hour or so before letting her go to sleep like we were supposed to, and then it really was bedtime. Jimmy and I had a long conversation that night.

Now, Daddy was pissed. That's right, pissed.


You see, that's exactly what happens when you watch your child suffer and everyone tells you that there is nothing wrong. You become angry, and resentful. You stop listening to the doctors and start finding answers yourself.

We switched pediatricians again, and again, and used all of our military connections until we finally got a referral to a neurologist. I can tell you this, it took almost 14 months to get a doctor to listen to us. To get someone to really look at my daughter and trust that I knew what I was talking about. 14 months. That's more than a year. I mean, can you believe that? This is an innocent child. A child. Yet everyone and their mother passed her off.

Our neurologist was outraged with the amount of tests that had been done on Lexi. He couldn't believe that anyone would let a child her age go through that much radiation in that length of time. He made sure he told us that we were not to let anyone else give her a CT scan, and he ordered an EEG for the next week.

The EEG was... eventful! Try getting a 17 month old to fall asleep on an examination table!

I will tell the truth, at this point, I wasn't very optimistic that they would find anything. I had been told so many times for so long that nothing was wrong, I couldn't imagine that this little, simple test, could tell us anything different.

We went in a few days later for results. He threw out big words, a bunch of medical jargon, and then said, 'so, basically, her official diagnosis is mild epilepsy'. Jimmy and I were both upset. You never want any kind of  medical label on your child, especially one like that. One that, as they explained to us, may effect her the rest of her life.

The doctor decided to put her on a low dose of a drug called Keppra. He told us that it would help her to be able to avoid seizures and therefore, live a normal life. So, we agreed to try it.

The first day was awful to watch. It was like seeing someone else take complete control of my child's body. Her entire personality was different, and I noticed it right away. The doctor warned it may take a few days for her body to get used to the medication, so, I waited. After a few days, she started coming back a little at a time. Still, it seemed, something just wasn't right with her. But, there was no denying that there were no more seizures either. Months went by, and nothing. Everyone was so happy and relieved to hear she was free of the dark cloud that had been lingering over her for so long.

Don't get me wrong, no one could be more elated then I. This is what I had been wishing for since I first watched her shake in my arms at 4 months old. Still I kept at my research on vaccines, their effects, and so on.

Later that year, and at about 5 months seizure free, Jimmy and Lexi came down with something awful. They both had a cough, congestion, and fever. Even Jimmy was home on quarter's, so I knew it wasn't good. We had been back and forth to the doctor battling with antibiotics, trying to kill what they thought was bronchitis. There were no decongestant's they could give her, she wasn't even 2. She didn't even know how to blow her own nose yet.

I saw her struggling, sick, and that mommy instinct just kicked in again. 'I wonder if there is something I can do at home to help her?', I thought. So, I started researching. It was then that I became absolutely enthralled with natural remedies, homeopathy, and holistic healing. I would try something, and it worked! I wanted to know more!

That was really when my passion for healing began. I wanted to know everything there was to know about natural medicines, at home treatment, remedies, etc. I ordered a whole slew of books, books that to this day I re-read over and over again. I started learning about childhood illnesses. How and where they originated, what they were, how they happen, and how you can help your child recover. What to do if 'this' happens, and how to handle 'this' situation. I was arming myself with so much knowledge that it sent a huge sense of empowerment over me.

It was relieving. I was being armed with tools to help me keep my child healthy. What more could a parent ask for! Even if these situations should occur, I'm fully equipped to take them on, and without the fear of the unknown! Once I got deeper into that, I started learning about diet, nutrition, what's in our food, and what needs to go into our body.

It's amazing how one little thing can lead you into so much change.

& so it began.

 A few weeks shy of her 2nd birthday, Lexi had another seizure. We were devastated. Our neurologist said that the medication was still working, Lexi would just have less seizures then before, and hopefully with time, they would go away. Many children who are diagnosed with epilepsy at a young age have been know to 'grow out of them'. That was the doctors hope, and ours.

That just wasn't okay with me. It just wasn't good enough for me. A seizure on her meds, and after only a few months. No. That wasn't good enough.

After much research, thought, and prayer, Jimmy and I decided to take Lexi off of Keppra. It was amazing how fast she changed. She was so much more attentive and playful, much more happy it seemed. We started straight away with changing everything about the way we live. We started her on a diet that we committed to  following as well. We stopped eating out, stopped using harsh chemicals to clean, took away toothpaste with fluoride, and didn't come near anything with aspartame. We cut out artificial colors, artificial flavors,  and artificial sweeteners. We cut out MSG, and high fructose corn syrup, we got rid of bleached grains, soy, and anything with fillers. We tried to eat as naturally and organically as we possibly could. The list goes on and on, and, it still continues to change today as we continue to learn more.

Though he wont admit it now, Jimmy was the hardest to turn. He didn't want to let go of his comfort foods, and sweet tooth, but he did it! We all did it. & it definitely took time to make that adjustment. Lets face it, changing the way we eat is a HUGE lifestyle change. We had to learn how to fit it into our budget for one thing. Unfortunately, eating healthy is not the cheapest option.

We also started on a vitamin and supplement regimen. Omega 3's, a good multi, D-3, C, garlic, etc. I even did research on vitamins! I was bound and determined to be one beefed up family! Especially since we had been trying to add another little one to the family.

Our health improved dramatically. It was amazing to see, and so gratifying. A few months after starting, I finally (8 months of trying) became pregnant with number 2. It was then that Jimmy and I started discussing what we were going to do about vaccines for the new baby. Obviously, since we had decided Lexi wouldn't get any more shots until she was 2, we didn't want the new baby to get any shots until 'it' was 2 either. So again, my research took full force and consumed me.

Lexi's second birthday was approaching and with it came the decision to start vaccinating again. Which vaccine would we choose to start, which would we choose at all? Research, research, research. Reading, phone calls, ordering more books! & it just fell on me. It came over me so calmly as I was reading through one of my favorite books, Lexi wasn't going to be delayed on her vaccinations. No. She wasn't going to get any, ever again. & I wasn't scared or apprehensive, I didn't have to think twice. I knew so strongly in my heart that this was what God wanted for our children.

I went to Jimmy and we talked about it all night long. We were both very confident that this is what we wanted, and not just for Lexi, for the new baby as well. & once we made that decision it felt like, 'well wow, why didn't I come to this realization before?'.

That was God again. Coming in and waking me up right before I could make another decision. He lit a path for me that I never saw before. & best of all, He gave me the strength to walk down it.

I truly believe, with all the knowledge Ive obtained and research I've done, that I am the mother of a vaccine injured child. Right down to the specific vaccine that I believe caused Lexi to have epilepsy. She wasn't born with epilepsy, she acquired it. & as long as I live, I will stand strong to help her fight it.

Lexi- Easter of 2010

After not being able to go more than a few months without a seizure, I can now say this. Lexi has gone as long as 22 mos without any hint of a seizure, and she continues to be a little trooper to this day. She is a bubbly, obnoxious, lively, little red head, that continues to make me stronger each day. You would never know that at 4 months old, 'epilepsy' was stamped on her. She is my reason, and I am continually amazed by her.

So, that is just a part of my story. My story to the road that lead me to becoming a proud non-vaccinating parent. So much has brought us to where we are today, and I am so grateful that God was able to give me a heart to listen to what He wanted for my family.

Part 2 and on will have to be my son's story, who is a little miracle himself...but we'll save that for later.

I pray that God continues to give me a voice to change, ears to listen, and a heart to accept.